I Smell A Rant

My friend, "The Old Man," sent me an email today. It was an op-ed piece from the NY Times about some bourgeois twit (Stanley Fish) with two houses complaining about AT&T's poor customer service and lack of staff capable of speaking with proper grammar.

Really?

Really.

Considering the state of the world today, and in a pulpit with a congregation of millions, he wasted time with an "oh poor me" story? He even had the platinum-plated cojones to admit that he would probably offend the logic of a good portion of his readers with his inane-festering-boil-on-the-butt-of-a-grown-man-in-Pampers-crying-because-he-had-to-take-the-silver-spoon-out-of-his-mouth-while-he-flipped-his-legs-over-his-head-to-satisfy-himself (slapdick douche named Stanley Fish) of a blubberfest.

I have friends who have had their hours cut at work from 40 to 16. They don't know how long their savings will cover things like transportation, heat, rent, or food, and this slapdick douche is whining about being on hold because the phone company doesn't have all the services he wants at his second home and all the staff he spoke with didn't have a grasp of syntax that met his standards.

Blow your nose on your sleeve, Stanley Fish Slapdick Douche, because I won't even give you dirt so you can farmer's blow while you cry an ocean of Fiji Water tears, you sorry sad sack of smug.

Sure, I cringe at the redundancy of "Where you at?" The... ellipse... was... designed... to... give... the... reader... a... cue... to... pause... 

The. Period. Was. Not.

"Having" or "getting" are plenty enough on their own; no need to "have got" as well.

I could go on, but I have already reached the point where I understand that language is fluid. I'm sure in the 17th century the educated-and-unemployed class were decrying the death of "thou" in common use, so nothing has really changed except... change. I don't tell people not end their sentences with prepositions anymore. Too many people today don't read books, or know who Descartes was, or understand the point of higher level mathematics for me to judge any one individual.

On the other hand, there is something out there in word land that makes my back itch in the one spot that I can't reach: improper antonyms.

I read an article yesterday about the Israeli offensive (pun intended) that started last week. The author was describing the general ebb and flow of tension throughout the years, claiming that violence would "escalate and then eventually de-escalate."

DE-ESCALATE?!?!? Not descend, ebb, fall, gravitate, lower, return to normal levels, not even chill out, but de-escalate.

I was in the BART station this evening, when an announcement was made about using caution when boarding and off-boarding. Not exiting, disembarking, leaving, getting off the godblessamericadamn train, but off-boarding.

Don't tell me, when a plane is about to take off, they'll start saying "final de-exiting call for flight 1518." Or when someone asks about the weather, the response will be, "it's an ex-dark, moon challenged, uncrappy, not-night!" "You look de-relaxed, why not un-stand yourself on that chair?"

Deity maledictive mass of XY chromosomed bovine excrement.

The Association for the Preservation of Unusual Activities*

This past week, I have felt an underlying, pervasive sense of Donny-ness. I am, to an extent, out of my element. I am good at an awful lot of stuff. Some things useful, some pointless, and some that are entirely beside the point. The one thing that I'm probably best at, is figuring out how to do stuff.

Now I'm faced with a thing that I can't quite wrap my mind around. I've heard (and even witnessed) one person meet a complete stranger, comment to said stranger regarding the stranger's intelligence/wit/attractivocity/inebriation/etcetera, and after a favorable response, say something to the effect of, "Let's ____ (have dinner, see a movie, go for a drink, spin 'round in circles) some time." Then, within a few days (or hours) of this brief conversation, the two people involved actually do whatever mundane activity they have agreed upon. This, to me, is mind boggling.

If I want a to see a movie- I go, unless it happens to be something that someone else I know will particularly enjoy. Why would I want I want to sit in the dark staring at shadows and light with someone, and not know if that person enjoys  those particular patterns of shadows and light? If this is someone I don't know, I don't want to be distracted by menus, previews, or breathtaking views.

I need a certain level of guaranteed, uninterrupted interactivity in a controlled setting. Something out of the ordinary enough that it won't be replicated by or with anyone else, but not so unusual as to be off-putting. Can I possibly be more clinical, intellectual and detached?

Yes, absolutely. However, this carefully crafted facade would shatter into millions of tiny reflective pieces. Each piece would, in turn, be it's own mini-big bang, releasing untold and incalculable amounts of energy into the known universe, turning into the unknown and unknowable universe, enabling children all over the globe to eat massive quantities of Snicker bars without getting a sugar high, and everything that Crispin Glover said would start to make sense.

In all abstract theoretical seriousness, dating- in the traditional sense- is totally lost on me. It isn't lost on me that the activities which I call mundane are those that allow two people to interact at the simplest of levels- the "getting to know you" stage. If two people can't enjoy each other while doing something average, they probably don't have what it takes to last romantically. I get that, but...

I'm going to pull a Palin and get back to you

Synchronicity 3

Some say deja vu is really a form of prescience. Others say it is fate, destiny, past lives remembered or whatever godishness to which one may subscribe. I like the idea of it being a sign to let me know I'm on the right path. A couple of days ago, I saw a note from my old friend K (aka B), who lives in the same state as my old flame R. 'Old Flame' is a misnomer. She is past, present and future. That once in a lifetime soul that bonds and intertwines and even from thousands of miles away, never leaves.

So after seeing the note from K, I googled R, just like I've done a thousand times in the past 5-6 years, and got one of those reunion.com hits, which claimed to have recent contact info, but wants 700 billion dollars to give it away. Please feel free to assume that I did not provide credit card information. If that was the extent of it, I would think nothing more, but right after, I went to meet some friends at a bar, and R's favorite Tom Waits song was playing. Someone (I think it was Dr. Who) once said that if two separate events that are somehow related happen concurrently, pay attention.

Event number three: My phone rang, and for once, I considered answering it. I pulled it out of my pocket, looked at the incoming number, and nearly had a Daffy Duck style seizure. It was an unknown call from area code 505. My thumbs were shaking as I flipped open the phone and said 'hello.'

"Did you know that the factory warranty on your vehicle has almost expired!"

My superhero power will be the ability to reach through phone lines, cell transmissions, space, time, and recording devices in order to squeeze entire tubes of super glue between the butt cheeks of robocall telemarketers.

An odd obsession

I know it's been a while since my last post, but those are the breaks.

Break it up break it up break it up, yo!

I just came home from playing capture the flag.

Yes, Capture The Flag. the same game played in junior high and elementary school gymnasiums for years before me. Yes, this game involved meeting at the bar and drinking shots of whiskey between rounds, but it is still the same in spirit (Spirits?). I haven't enjoyed myself like this in years. I want everyone to come and experience their childhoods mixed with adulthoods again.

Granted, I can barely type as I write this post, but that is also part of the fun (better living through chemicals).

I usually go to yoga on Monday nights, but this was J's night. the same J from this post. J and G are much better now. G's in Minnesota, J will be following behind by the time you read this. But, the night before, I was playing Capture the Flag with J, his brother, and several of our mutual friends.

So while I'm still smitten with R, who will always have a place in my heart (and who's place came to the forefront for some odd reason last week [more on that to come]) and I am also quite interested in A (whom I haven't mentioned before, but will also have a story soon), I want to play capture the flag as much as I can, with whomever will join me.