Eggs

I don't know what to call it.

Character flaw

Bad habit

Predilection

Natural predisposition

Polysyllabic synonym for stupid

However one may label it, I have to put a lid on it. I have to stop putting all my eggs in one basket. Actually, no. I have to stop putting the golden egg in one basket. I haven't even had a golden egg, they've all been gold plated, and once the paint chips off, I realize I have nothing but a plain old egg that has been sitting out too long and started to smell funny. There I was, putting all this emotional intensity into having the omelette of my dreams, and now I got a rotten egg. Before anyone reading this starts thinking I consider them rotten eggs, understand that I am all about the omelette- cracking the shell and getting to what is underneath. So really (in case these metaphor wasn't obtuse enough*), what I'm after is the goose that lays the golden egg, so we can make the perfect omelette. Though that would be an extra perverse form of cannibalism on the goose's part.

I'm getting sidetracked- the geese in my life have laid eggs that I inevitably turn into golden eggs in my mind, regardless of the goose's feeling in the matter. What I think I need to do, is not hold one goose above all others in anticipation of the golden egg (and the perfect omelette), and not let one goose get my gander, whatever that means. Ducks lay eggs, chickens lay eggs, fish lay eggs, ostriches lay eggs, penguins lay eggs, dinosaurs lay eggs, some guy in Bulgaria laid an egg, according to the National Inquirer. Point is, I can be very intense, and very obsessive, and while a serious attention to detail can make a great omelette, I have to remember that the egg is a gift from the right goose, and that is where a perfect omelette begins.

I can't imagine how bizarre my metaphors would get if I took a serious interest in mind altering drugs...

Stop Worrying and Learn to Love Bad Moods

I am in a bad mood.

I've been moody for a couple weeks now. Funny thing is, I like bad moods. Not that I want to be in a bad mood all the time- I don't want to drink peanut butter milkshakes every day either. When I get into a bad mood, I dig in. I get bitter, bitchy, mean, and nasty. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I don't trust people that are happy all the time. How does anyone know how good the peaks are without going through the valleys? Can happiness really be appreciated without understanding it's opposite?

When I'm happy, I float. I get witty, warm, compassionate, caring and kind. I revel in how good it feels, because I know how bad bad can be.

So don't try to cheer me up, I'll be fine.

Eventually.

Regarding Same-Sex Marriages

Yes, I have stated in writing that marriage is an antiquated tradition blah, blah, blah. Wubba wubba wubba, deedle deedle dee. Nonetheless, whose marriage would you rather attend?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK44eiCrPJg

or

www.youtube.com/watch?v=URfuZGIGO8g

An Imagined conversation...*

(phone rings)

me: Hello?

her: Hey, it's me.

me: Hi, what's up? What can I do for you?

her: "What can I do for you?" Oh, god. I was hoping you wouldn't be mad at me. I know I kinda fell off the face of the earth. I just wanted to know if you wanted to get together and watch a movie?

me: I'm not mad. You should know that I could never be mad at you.

her: But...?

me: But what? I'm not mad... It's a little strange. I mean, we never have talked about any of this, and I don't know what's been going through your mind, but I... I know I said I was cool with us hanging out, and movie night is cool, but it's also been frustrating and a bit painful. It's almost like nothing has changed, but since all we've had is a couple of superficial emails, I still feel unsure and in the dark. 

I can't go on with this. It's way to passive aggressive for me. I say I'm over it, but obviously I'm not. 

yes, I stole this idea from the M in KLM - http://blog.mmoure.com/

How Australia Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Drunks

Handy Hints For Picking a Drunk

by Linda Silmalis

The Sunday Telegraph, Australia

New South Wales bureaucrats have drawn up an official list of intoxication symptoms, so pub owners can tell when patrons are drunk.

'Cos you know pub owners have never seen drunk people before

Among the 39 steps towards drunkenness are: "bumping into furniture," "sleeping at a bar or table" and "inability to find one's mouth with a glass."

39 steps? They didn't know it's a 12 step plan? Or did they get that far and then need to go have a couple drinks for "research purposes?"

The intoxication guidelines, drawn up by the NSW Office of Liquor and Gaming, were distributed to club and pub managers last week. Staff are supposed to use them in determining when to refuse alcohol to patrons.

"Gosh Ollie, I think he's drunk!"

"Oh criminy Stan! We'd better check the list, or we'll never know for sure!"

Drafted in response to tough new liquor laws introduced in NSW, the guidelines also recommend that clubs and pubs provide free food and bottled water to drinkers, in a bid to curb alcohol related violence.

So, if I go to Australia to get verschnickered, they'll GIVE ME A FREE DINNER too?

Vacation all I ever wanted/Vacation time to get away...

Under the laws, managers are required to remove drunk patrons from the premises and stop them from re-entering for 24 hours - or face $11,000 fine. Number one on the list of 39 signs of intoxication is slurred words, followed by rambling or unintelligible conversation. Bar staff are also urged to be on the lookout for patrons fumbling change, being rude, argumentative and aggressive, and those who cannot stand or who fall down.

They forgot "air drumming to 'Sister Christian,'" "dancing on the bar, then saying, 'somebody help me down," "screaming woooooooo at the top of their lungs" and "blonde women twirling their hair and saying 'I'm soooo drruunnnk!"

Club patrons seen as "overly friendly" or exuberant could also soon find themselves shown the door, as well as those who vomit.

Uhh...

If a patron fails to leave, managers have been advised to contact police in order to avoid being fined. The department said the guidelines were drafted to help bar staff form a reasonable belief that a person is intoxicated. However, it warned that the list was neither exhaustive nor conclusive.

Which is why I wrote this blog ;-)

Now I'm going to go get a drink...

July 4th, US Man Day

I was hanging out with my friend M (not the M in KLM) at Amber last night. He was a little depressed because the next day was the 4th of July. Why would Independence Day be depressing? He was depressed because he's British. Not as if he thought that by simply being British, he should have been King of The Americas, or some... uh, actually... sorry, he did think that by simply being British (and drunk) that he should have had sovereignty over what wouldn't have been called the United States had the Brits won what wouldn't have been called the Revolutionary War*.

This is M's first 4th in the States, and while many United Statesians believe that everyone in the world is familiar with all things United Statesish, that's not true. When I was asked what we do on ID4, I told him that we cook meat and blow stuff up. It's a decidedly masculine holiday, isn't it? I'm pretty certain that throwing raw meat on an open flame while drinking beer was not done by any of the leading ladies in Sex and the City. I'm also pretty doubtful that "How to Blow Up a Watermelon With an M80" will be on the next Oprah. Really, the only way the 4th of July could be more masculine is if men went with Ted Nugent to shoot wild hot dogs with a crossbow and cooked them on the hood of a '67 Mustang that would be cleaned afterwards by the Hooters Bikini Team. Then, at night, men would gather in baseball stadiums to play air guitar to Guns n' Roses doing a cover of Springsteen's "Born in the USA" before a game of dodgeball with firecrackers, and end the evening with Cindy Crawford eating an Eskimo Pie, naked on the roof of the Empire State Building.

America, F**k Yeah!



*Not having a revolutionary war would also mean Purple Rain wouldn't have happened, since there wouldn't be Prince & the Revolution, and Adam Ant wouldn't have a career at all... maybe that part wouldn't be so bad ;-)

Senatus consultum de Bacchanalibus

OK, I've been single for a long time. This was not a conscious decision, I didn't come to any conclusions or weigh any evidence for or against anything- it just rolled out like that.

My entire adult life, I've believed that marriage is an antiquated institution, and there are enough children in the world that I don't need to make one from scratch. That attitude may be a deal breaker for some, and may be catnip for others. For me, it isn't relevant to being in a committed relationship. T&P set the bar by being together for years, saying no to marriage and kids, then limboing under the bar to get married anyway. Then there's P&A, who jumped into marriage head first with a wedding party that made Bacchanalia look like a Thanksgiving parade, but also was where I have never (before or since) heard the words "I love you" spoken with more emotional content. It comes down to two sides of the same coin, and you either want to be with someone or you don't.

On that note, I have made a decision on whether I want to be with someone or not, and whether I want to be with someone or not.

First interpretation: It's high time I got me one o' them ladyfriends.

Second interpretation: Here's where things get... difficult...

(and rather personal)

She and I have never talked about "us," so writing about it doesn't seem too brazen. I'll be brief and rather vague about it in a run-on sentence. Here it goes:

I was crazy about her from the beginning but she was dating someone so I let it go until I found out she wasn't dating someone anymore so I went for it and thought it was going well till she told me about the other other dude but she still wanted to be friends and I said OK because I'm not a bitter, resentful, aggro-dude (or I'm a naive shlub), but now I think we really can't because it's doing the same thing over and over again, knowing full well that it won't turn out the way I want but hoping that it will anyway, which is insane and since I'm only crazy, I should step away from the woman before I start to need therapy.