Till the Day I Diamond

It's good to know there are others out there as warped as me. When I say warped, I mean doing, saying, and thinking things that make perfect sense, are logical, and morally upright- as long as you are in my head. Some people are very adamant about what happens to their bodies when they die. Most of it is some sort of religiosity, except for the few oogily boogilies that want their ashes thrown out with the humpback whales off the coast of Oaxaca, or mixed into the cement that builds the foundation of the new Yankees stadium. That's kinda weird, but not quite warped. If you want to be like me, and be truly warped, you want your ashes made into a diamond.

Yes, there is a company, LifeGems, that will take a person's ashes, and make diamonds out of them. They process the ashes, distilling and purifying the carbon, which leaves graphite. The graphite is then placed in a machine that replicates the conditions 100 miles below the earth's surface, yielding the most warped thing anyone could do with themselves.

Even more warped than that- you don't even have to be dead! They can use a pile of hair. How hardcore would it be to wear bling made from yourself!

What Would db Do?

Yo

I am a former member of the Egyptian Mafia. You didn't know there was an Egyptian Mafia, did you? That's how badass it is- you don't even know it's there.

A few years ago, I was dating a belly dancer whom I thought was my soulmate, but turned out to be a back stabbing manic depressive with  a schizoid embolism. (Not that there is anything wrong with mental illness in and of itself, but that there are certain combinations of mental illnesses that make for personalities that may be... challenging). So, SIN (yes, those are her initials) introduced me to the Godfather. They were in the smoke and mirrors business, and I was made a partner.

There was a front, a restaurant, that funded The Family. The real business was Art. We were a family of dancers, painters, musicians, storytellers, and, most especially, practitioners in the Art of Living Without Compromise. 

Pops had all that and a Phd. He'd done art shows in galleries all over the world. He saw combat in the Egyptian Special Forces. His mentor was Anwar Sadat. Published novelist? Check. Black belt? Three. Linguist? Arabic, Farsi, Hebrew, English, French, Greek and Italian. Oh, the Phd? That was in psychology, which he taught for two years at UC Berkeley. He was also a bit of a song and dance man... in a peculiar Egyptian way.

Pops taught me a lot about myself, and how to live the life less ordinary. He taught me the importance of living like a train, and to make sure you are not a passenger on your train. He taught me how to work a room, the Art of the Wink, and how to talk myself out of anything. There are things he has taught me that are so ingrained into my psyche, I can no longer remember not knowing them.

Dr Hatem El-Sayed died today.

 

Choosey Mofos Choose Jiff

Last night I was out with Mama. She'd come to town for the Outside Outlander Outdoor Pay $300 to See Radiohead but Pretend You Like the Other Bands so You Don't Feel Like A John Festival. We hadn't seen each other since Sutro played in SLO, and I had deluded myself that J was out of the country, pining away for me in the same way that I was pining away for her. The relevance there is that Mama introduced me to J, so seeing her again made for a pretty decent elephant-in-the-room moment.

So now it's Sunday morning, and there's still a residual sad, bitter, elephant smell lingering in the nose of my heart. J's great- I don't have anything against her (other than a perceived inability to open up on a personal level, which I still don't hold against her, because really her ego just needs a Pele sized kick in the pants)- what bug's me, is that I don't make connections with cool chicks like her very often.

I think of myself as very instinctual, though others have called it picky, judgmental, and arrogant. Semantics. I don't play the field. I don't date around. Maybe it's pheremones, ESP, resonant frequencies, or something else that I will discount as hippie BS, but I always know. I don't know if it will be love, friendship, or booty call, but I always know.

That doesn't mean that I'm not open to surprises...

This is only a test

I recently read an article from the BBC about a writer who is giving up plastic for a month (A month without plastic), which got me thinking, what would I give up for a month, and why? 

So first, a month without plastic. The rules are: no new plastic products may be bought, or used. I'm going to say Netflix is OK, because it is a recycled resource. No going to the movies, because the tickets are coated with plastic. No buying wine with plasticized rubber corks. No buying canned food because of the plastic lining. No pasta, no yogurt, no bottled water, no juice, no microwave meals in plastic trays, no disposable razors, no liquid soap, no pens, no Sharpies, no cars, no batteries, no flashlights, no vibrators (no problem), no prescription drugs (you never know), no multi packs of toilet paper, no new clothes, no coffee without bringing my own mug (I don't make my own. I just don't. Ever). That's just what I can come up with off the top of my head, if I actually thought about it, I would know for sure that I wouldn't want to give up plastic completely for a month. It does make me think about ways to reduce plastic consumption, and realize that it is over-used in modern society.

Next.

 

My friend D used to give up drinking every year for Lent, even though she wasn't Catholic, which I always thought was kinda weird. I didn't think it was weird that she was not Catholic and would give up something for Lent, but that she would give up drinking. A few days and a cranberry juice i.v. is fine here and there- but a month? That really isn't an option.

OK, how about a month without sex? Oh, right...

A month without computers? That would make a cool daily blog.

I've already given up high fructose corn syrup, cars, crack, Catholicism, words that don't start with "C", and swizzle sticks. What else is there?

Got it. I'm giving up exclusion.

The M in KLM

I should be sleeping right this very second.

Before I started writing, I was getting a ride from the M in KLM.

Before I got a ride, she and I snugged on the floor of her empty apartment, imitating sleep for all of 2 hours.

Before imitating sleep, KLM was in full effect- dinner at Farmer Brown, drinks at Whisky Thieves, and more drinks at Amber.

Before KLM, The M in KLM and I packed her apartment into a truck.

Before we packed the truck, we had to figure out where 7th crosses Cesar Chavez (it doesn't)

Before figuring that out, The M in KLM packed while I drank wine and provided moral support.

The M in KLM is on the road right now, and she's a little apprehensive about dropping everything and moving back to Seattle.

And by apprehensive, I mean scared witless.

She has every right to be scared by making such a major change in her life, but then again, this is Miranda.

And by Miranda, I mean awesome.

I love you, too- coin slot and all

...and by love, I mean doggy

Obviously, I use 11% of my brain*

Remember a couple of posts back, I made a reference to astrological signs and the changes in gravity from the sun and moon? Then after that, I posted about the random decapitations in Greece and Canada? Check this out from EnvironmentalGraffiti.com:


What do Lunar Cycles and Gruesome Beheadings Have in Common?

Tue, Aug 12, 2008

Visualize towns torn apart with random beheadings, frenzied knife attacks on grassy knolls and werewolves howling at the moon. No, it’s not your average Saturday night out on the town; they’re just a few of the maniacal incidences associated with the advent of a new or full moon. But is this just coincidence or could these gruesome events of the past few weeks be related to the gravitational forces of the moon?

The new moon in August occurred on the same day as the solar eclipse, August 1, 2008, which, astrologers say, means it fell in the sign of Leo. This is turn is thought to agitate the nebulae cluster of The Aselli**, or the asses, which were traditionally held by astronomers as harbingers of death by fire, fever, hanging and beheading!

During a full moon, the moon is on the opposite side of the earth from the sun and therefore negates the sun’s gravitational pull, but during a new moon the moon sits on the same side of the earth as the sun, thus massively increasing the sun’s gravitational effects.

This dramatic change in gravity may have a significant affect on the human brain. Who’s to say that there isn’t some transient damage to this intricate organ that, when compared to the size of the earth, sun and moon, is minute and therefore more prone to greater changes during these fluctuations in gravitational force? After all the brain is encased in a closed space so even the slightest pressure changes could dramatically affect normal functionality.

Think of the pressure headaches some people get before and during thunderstorms due to changes in the atmosphere. If that slight change in pressure causes blinding headaches then it’s entirely possible that the pressure generated during the phase of a new moon coupled with a solar eclipse could have huge detrimental effects to the human brain.

Are the recent beheadings in Greece and Canada explicable? It’s impossible for us to prove one way or the other, for that there would need to be highly controlled clinical trials. In the meantime we’ll have to leave the ball in your court. What do you think?


*It is not true that we only use 10% of our brains, ya know.
**Aselli means 'ass'? For real? That explains a lot.

Old, Round, Brown and Full

The results of three recent studies show that the United States is in for a paradigm shift within a bit more than one generation. According to a Johns Hopkins study, By 2038, 100% of the adult population will be overweight (if trends over the last 30 years continue). Over at the Brookings Institute (you know them right? over on 132nd St, above the Happy Donut), William Frey says that, by 2040, ethnic minorities will become the majority. Also by 2040, there will be over half a million centenarians (there are about 84,000 now). Oh, and the world population will reach 8 billion by 2050.

OK, so we're fat and getting fatter. I don't buy that EVERYONE will be fat- there will still be soccer players, models, the Olsen twins, crack addicts, and French ex-pats. Still, I have to wonder about the 12 year olds that I see everyday that are... well... round. I had my problems with snacks as a kid, but my parents at least tried to hide the Mars bars. When you bring a life into the world, that becomes your ONLY responsibility- everything else is a function of that primary responsibility. 150 lbs and 10 years old? Not the kid's fault, but I'm not going to get on the soapbox.

Next, minorities become the majority. What do we call them? They can't be minorities if they are in the majority. And you know we don't live in a melting pot. This is more like a chef's salad. All the ingredients can be mixed together, but each one is still separate, and can be pulled out, scrutinized and discarded at will. There won't be a majority of anyone, but I don't think that will be the end of racism, classism, sexism, or isn'tism (isn'tism noun [iz-uhnt-iz-uhm] a belief or doctrine that there are inherent differences among anyone who isn't the same, usually involving the idea that anyone who is the same is superior and has the right to rule over those who aren't).

Case in point, interracial marriages account for about 7% of all marriages in the US. Not that marriage is the last word in relationships, but if only 2 out of every 30 people marry outside of their race/ethnicity, then the melting pot still needs some stirring.

One last point- right now, 30 is the new 20, but with more teens popping out kids, and more adults waiting to become parents, it kinda means 15 is the new 30. Fast forward 40 years, when the retirement age will be around 78, 11 will be the new 40, 40 will be the new 30, and Michael Jackson will have succeeded in replacing his entire body with clear plastic, becoming ageless, sexless, raceless, and able to eat anything s/he wants.

More Stupider

Playwright George Bernard Shaw was fond of pointing out that the word "ghoti" could just as well be pronounced "fish" if you followed common pronunciation: 'gh' as in "tough," 'o' as in "women" and 'ti' as in "nation."

Yes, English is a retarded language. I work with a Korean, two Hondurans, two Japanese, and an Italian. On an almost daily basis, one of them will come to me with a question which I can answer from a purely grammatical standpoint, but truly has no logical explanation.

Take the last sentence of the previous paragraph- why does 'purely' have an 'e,' but 'truly' does not? Why is it that the root of explanation, 'explain,' has an 'i,' but 'explanation' does not? And for that matter, why isn't 'tion' spelled s-h-u-n? By the way, what's wrong with starting a sentence with 'and?'

I will admit to being a bit of a grammar and syntax snob, but I also have to admit that this language's kinda stupid in alot of ways.* Why would mobile phone texting include so many variants on "proper" English, if it weren't in need of some streamlining? Language is and should be of a fluid nature- Chaucer supposedly wrote in English, right? Noah Webster, the dictionary guy, decided, all by himself, after the American Revolution, that some words needed new spellings, because American English needed to be different from English English. Yes, one dude decided that 'colour' should be spelled 'color,' and 'theatre' should be 'theater.' Why? Just because.

So why shouldn't there be another Great Vowel Shift, or something like it? Call it the Gr8 Txt Shft. English is the second fastest growing language, and the most common lingua franca, so some changes are bound to happen, and hopefully, they will make English less harder to think in.

Get In Where You Fit In

Last Saturday, I took Barbarella and her wife and another friend to a fashioney thing at 111 Minna. I could hardly walk two feet without seeing two people I hadn't seen in two years. By the time we left I felt like a bottle of social moisturizer:

Directions for use:

1. Air kiss (for best results, apply to both cheeks)

2. Hug (use equal parts flirtatiousness and awkwardness - WARNING obliviousness to gender may occur)

3. Comment on the fabulousness of each others appearance (wait at least 30 secs.)

4. After applying social moisturizer, nothing of substance may appear. If so, excuse yourself, and re-apply to someone else.

I'm not implying that these were vapid people, more that when I knew them...

...we didn't know each other. I had just moved to SF, was unemployed, and lived in a breakfast room that was only big enough for a ratty futon and about 10 inches to stand on either side of it. They were designers, musicians, writers, travelers, and flush with cash that was still seeping out from under the dot.com bust. Admittedly, I was intimidated, and rather than spew BS about who I was, I just let it remain a mystery. The side effect of that, is that none of us really got to know each other.

I think this is why I've been reconnecting with the punk rawk side of myself. There isn't necessarily an imbalance of "power" (I'm leery of using the word 'power,' in that no one had any power per se, more that my self perception was such that I didn't feel like I was bringing much to the table, so I felt guilty sitting down to dinner). With the punks and too-cool-to-be-hipsters, I didn't worry about what was being brought to the table, because we all felt good just having a table to begin with. I'm sure the whole dialectic is all in my head, because the world surrounding me is all in my head, too.

I think I might want to check out the cool kids table at the cafeteria again...

What's with...

...Saint Bradley and Holy Mother Angelina getting paid $14 million dollars to let someone take pictures of their newborns? Sears portrait studio will do it for $34.99

...girls in little flippy skirts that don't care when the wind gives them a full Marilyn? Not that I'm offended, but it isn't normal.

...half the people I know (including myself) that want to: a.) move b.) get a new job c.) start or finish a relationship d.) all of the above?

...Christmas decorations already being up on Market St?

...being satisfied with just getting by?

...the presidential election not being over already?

...Decapitations? In all seriousness- within one week, in totally unrelated events in Canada and Greece, a man and a woman were stabbed dozens of times, then had their heads cut off.
The depth of depravity and psychosis in the individuals that committed these acts is unfathomable, and I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain of the victims' loved ones right now.