How Australia Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Drunks

Handy Hints For Picking a Drunk

by Linda Silmalis

The Sunday Telegraph, Australia

New South Wales bureaucrats have drawn up an official list of intoxication symptoms, so pub owners can tell when patrons are drunk.

'Cos you know pub owners have never seen drunk people before

Among the 39 steps towards drunkenness are: "bumping into furniture," "sleeping at a bar or table" and "inability to find one's mouth with a glass."

39 steps? They didn't know it's a 12 step plan? Or did they get that far and then need to go have a couple drinks for "research purposes?"

The intoxication guidelines, drawn up by the NSW Office of Liquor and Gaming, were distributed to club and pub managers last week. Staff are supposed to use them in determining when to refuse alcohol to patrons.

"Gosh Ollie, I think he's drunk!"

"Oh criminy Stan! We'd better check the list, or we'll never know for sure!"

Drafted in response to tough new liquor laws introduced in NSW, the guidelines also recommend that clubs and pubs provide free food and bottled water to drinkers, in a bid to curb alcohol related violence.

So, if I go to Australia to get verschnickered, they'll GIVE ME A FREE DINNER too?

Vacation all I ever wanted/Vacation time to get away...

Under the laws, managers are required to remove drunk patrons from the premises and stop them from re-entering for 24 hours - or face $11,000 fine. Number one on the list of 39 signs of intoxication is slurred words, followed by rambling or unintelligible conversation. Bar staff are also urged to be on the lookout for patrons fumbling change, being rude, argumentative and aggressive, and those who cannot stand or who fall down.

They forgot "air drumming to 'Sister Christian,'" "dancing on the bar, then saying, 'somebody help me down," "screaming woooooooo at the top of their lungs" and "blonde women twirling their hair and saying 'I'm soooo drruunnnk!"

Club patrons seen as "overly friendly" or exuberant could also soon find themselves shown the door, as well as those who vomit.

Uhh...

If a patron fails to leave, managers have been advised to contact police in order to avoid being fined. The department said the guidelines were drafted to help bar staff form a reasonable belief that a person is intoxicated. However, it warned that the list was neither exhaustive nor conclusive.

Which is why I wrote this blog ;-)

Now I'm going to go get a drink...